Once
by darkershade
Summary: Severus Snape looks back on a memory from his past, with the woman he let go.


As he lay alone, he remembered-

It had been so cold on that January day, even colder than usual in their Northern town, as he wound his way through the back alleys and mews on his way to the secret corner where they'd agreed to meet, the last night before their winter holiday was over and they'd have to board the Express and head back to school. The magic letter she'd spelled him for Christmas in their first year still worked, he found-much to his surprise-having been staring and staring at it with no hope that she'd remember, that she'd want to remember-and she'd sent him a message that had lingered only long enough for him to read it before it had disappeared:

"Meet at our place at seven."

Quickly he'd run a wet cloth over his body, searching in vain for the soap-his mother had forgotten to buy it again, curled up as she was in her large chair and nursing a bottle of firewhiskey and some fading bruises, his father having spent the majority of the holiday at his local, avoiding his wife and son so as to avoid confrontation like the ones holidays usually brought about. A sniff test revealed which of his jumpers was least offensive. He cursed himself, his parents, and the Wizarding and Muggle worlds alike that this was the best he could do to make himself ready to see her. Then again, if he'd done anything else to improve his appearance, he reflected, it would only make him seem too eager. He'd left without any explanation to his mum, but then she never asked where he went anyway.

He got to their corner early, and proceeded to sit on the snowy curb and wrap himself up in his own embrace, ducking his arms into his jumper to preserve body heat. It was two minutes past seven that he spied her turning the corner herself, and another minute before she reached him.

The corner, situated as it was between a boarded-over old chippy and a couple of abandoned textile factory buildings, was not an appropriate setting for Lily, who shone with a radiance that deserved a grand ballroom or a shimmering beach or something equally beautiful, he reflected. Nevertheless, she had a power to transform what was there, making the industrial wasteland of their town into a paradise that accentuated her beauty. Her red hair had been arranged into a loose plait, and she wore an emerald-green peacoat over bell bottoms and a striped Oxford shirt, the same scuffed old trainers she always wore on weekends looking charming rather than worn and completing the impression of effortless beauty. He scowled.

"Oi," he said, looking at the ground.

"Hiya," she replied quietly. She took a seat next to him. "Sorry."

He took a brief second to run his eyes over her beautiful face, knowing she wouldn't meet his eyes. "I'm sorry too." He looked back at the ground.

"I'm just worried about you, Sev," she whispered.

"What, Avery and Mulciber again?"

"Yes. You know they're scum, Sev, and yet…"

He hated to disagree with her. But in fairness, he felt he should stand up for his friends. "They might be abrasive, Lil, but they're just telling it like it is. You can't deny that they have a point about some things."

"What, the new wizarding world order?" she said mockingly.

"Well...I mean, there's things...like, don't you think it's daft that we have to hide our true natures? All so a bunch of Muggles don't get their knickers in a twist? Aren't you tired of playing pretend?"

She sighed. "Not if it means that we're keeping people safe. Do you really want a world where people can unleash magic on unsuspecting Muggles whenever they feel like it? Does that seem like justice to you?"

"If it meant that I could knock my dad out cold the next time he hits my mum, without breaking my own wrist in the bargain? Yeah. Fuckin' Muggles like him should stay in line if they know what's good for 'em."

"Sev…" she put a hand on his shoulder, warm in the cold. "What about my parents? Do you really think...are you really…" She shook her head. "It just feels wrong, Severus. Just...be careful and don't...you know...lose yourself in all that. You're really angry at your dad, but…"

His sour mood was back in full. "Yeah, well, you needn't worry, innit? Haven't you got bigger fish to fry? A boyfriend and all that?"

Lily was silent for enough time following that comment that he was forced to look at her face once more, realizing that a couple of tears had slid down her cheeks.

"Fuck, Lil. What did he do?"

She still didn't reply, though she did sniff loudly.

"Did he break up with you?" It was all he could do to keep the hope out of his voice.

"No," she replied, quietly. "I just-it's-we're taking a-a pause."

"A pause?"

"I'm just…" she sighed heavily. "I'm just tired of his antics, you know?" She shook her head. "I shouldn't be telling you this. I know you hate him and you're only going to tell me to leave him, again. It's just sometimes…" She trailed off and was quiet for a moment. He didn't know what to say. Should he encourage her? Would it be too on the nose? A lock of hair broke away from her braid and fell into her eyes, and he longed so desperately to reach over and push it back.

Suddenly she reached into the pocket of her coat. "I got you something!"

He blinked. "What?"

"I know it's early, but you're eighteen soon…" She held out a paper bag with a weighty object inside, and he took it from her gently, hoping he might brush against her fingers, but he did not. "Happy birthday and all that."

He opened the bag and found a really old book, _Collected Potions of Crispin Merriweather_. He gasped. It was probably a first edition, from the 17th century, when Merriweather was developing tactical potions to use in the Goblin Rebellions. Snape had done a bit of research on Merriweather for Binns in fourth year, and had poured over every scrap of information he could find in order to complete an extra-credit project to make up for the week he'd been out sick with Mumblemumps. It had turned into quite a hobby for a few months even after his project was complete, as Merriweather was quite witty and his potions recipes were full of clever one-liners and cutting remarks, and he and Lily had developed a number of inside jokes that he'd assumed she'd forgotten about.

"Lil, I-I didn't know you still remembered this."

"How could I forget, Sev?" She put on her best Severus face and scowled at him, drawling: "Brains, it would seem, are not for stewing in potions, no matter how little use one extracts from them otherwise."

He snorted, and a real laugh emerged. "Cor, I forgot about that one. What about, 'Use this potion if you want the last thing to cross a Goblin's mind to be his testacles.'"

Lily's giggles caused her to double over and hug her knees, eyes squinting with laughter. He was momentarily transfixed, abandoning his own laughter in watching her. Just then, though, he noticed something else-a snowflake, landing on her ginger mane and failing to dissolve. Then another. And another.

"Oh, fuck. Snow again."

"Shit, yeah." She looked up, and then tentatively stuck out her pink little tongue and allowed a couple of snowflakes to land on it.

"We should probably…"

"Oh."

"I mean, I know your mum'll be worried." He emphasized the word "your" only slightly.

"Nah. You know, she and dad are out at some church do. It's just Tuney at the house. And if I go home now, I'll probably walk in on her snogging that bloke she's been seeing." She shuddered. "I'd rather leave them to it."

Severus shifted uncomfortably. "Well, I'd invite you over to mine, but…you know…"

Lily looked around. "Why don't we just break in to the factory and sit for a while? I've nicked some whiskey. It's not Ogden's, but…" She reached into her other pocket and pulled out a small flask.

"Fuck me, Lily, you really are having a shit time this holiday! Please tell me you've not knicked it from a shop."

"Nah, just my dad's cabinet." She unscrewed the top and took a small swig. "Come on, let's go."

"Wait, but-we can't just break into the factory."

"I'm pretty sure there's a window open. We just have to push it up and climb in."

Who are you, he thought. This is not Lily Evans. This is James Potter's girlfriend. The adventurous spirit had always been there, but the willingness to do something that was borderline illegal...that was new.

"I think this is a bad idea, Lil."

She had been walking towards the nearest factory window, but she turned in her tracks. "Why?"

He listed reasons. "First of all, there could be squatters in there already. We can't use magic to defend ourselves. And, let's not forget, it's breaking and entering, even if it is unlocked. See the sign that says 'No trespassing?'"

"Look, you can head home if you want to, but I don't want to go home right now. It's awful. I'm sad today, and lonely, and I need a friend. Even a grump like you. And I don't particularly want to sit in the snow."

The wind kicked up, blowing more snow, which had begun to fall a little harder, in his face. "Fine."

He followed her as she struggled to push the sash of the window up far enough that she could crawl through. Then he watched as she dug the toes of her trainers into the brick facade of the building, climbing. He instinctively came up behind her to help hoist her up, and it was the closest he'd been to her in a long time, her lean legs and pert little backside brushing against the front of him as she climbed up and through. He climbed in behind her and took stock of their new surroundings.

Abandoned, but not completely desolate. It was clear that the building had been used as a shelter not too long ago, though all signs of current habitation-food rubbish, blankets, and that kind of thing-were missing. As they meandered around and explored, Lily bent over to pick up a couple of tins of fuel that had rolled under a large, ancient loom of some kind, while Severus found, boxed in a corner, a stack of fabric remnants and, nearby, a book of matches. They laid out the remnants on the floor and lit the first fuel tin, and then Lily passed Severus the flask. For a while, they just sat in silence, taking sip after sip as they felt the warmth spread through their limbs.

"Do you think you'll be in good shape for N.E.W.T.s?" Severus asked, just making conversation.

Lily snorted and pursed her lips. "Do you doubt it? We're going to walk all over them."

"Arrogant, much?"

"It's not arrogance. We're good, Sev. We're almost too good. You heard what Slug said. If we're not named Head Boy and Head Girl, it would be a school-wide travesty. Aren't you tired of everything being so easy?"

"I've never found anything in my life to be too easy," he retorted, the alcohol making him honest.

"Come on, Sev. You can do most of the N.E.W.T. level stuff in your sleep. You've got Defense in the bag, and Potions-you're beating me, now. You could walk into the Auror training programme and hand them your C.V., and they'd probably take you now, today."

"Eh. If that's what I even want to do anymore. Bunch of tossers, mostly."

"Tossers?" Lily raised an eyebrow. "That's Mulciber and Avery talking again.

"Oh, please. Let's not start that again."

She glared at him and then replied, "Fine." Sinking back into the pillowed fabric remnants, she stretched out and crossed her legs in front of her. "I guess...I guess I'm just tired of being the good one. I always do what I need to do, and I'm always successful, at least when it comes to school. Life, though…"

He crossed his legs and looked down at her. "What do you mean?"

"Like, I don't know...if I weren't so focused on school...maybe I'd find life, the actual living part, a bit easier, you know?"

"No, I don't."

"It's like...I love James. I do. Don't start with me," she responded to his eyes rolling. "But it seems like he's so free all the time to do exactly as he pleases, and then I'm-just-so good. I'm top student in our year. I'm a bloody Prefect. I'm this know-it-all who can't really-I guess I can't really see him and appreciate him for who he is, sometimes, because I'm so busy seeing in him what I wish I could do. Be...I dunno...more carefree."

"So just...be more carefree, then." Severus took another swig and came down to lie beside her, head propped up against the textiles as the cold floor of the factory seeped through the thin fabric of his jumper. He shivered.

"It's not that easy. James, he sort of puts me on this pedestal. He thinks of me as this angel, and I'm...I'm just...it's exhausting."

"So you're complaining that he treats you well?" he asked acerbically.

She sighed. "No, just...don't you ever want to do something completely wicked?"

He smirked. "Slytherin."

"Touche."

"What exactly do you want to do, then? Blow up a building? Is that why you've dragged me into this cold, abandoned Muggle purgatory?"

"I dunno…" she cast around for ideas. "Maybe it would be nice to do something...like skip class and sneak into Hogsmeade. You know they're always sneaking into Hogsmeade. James and them."

"Hmm...or like get Sluggy really sloshed at the next Slug Club meeting by sneaking some of this shit whiskey into his pumpkinade, and then watch him try to navigate his way to the head of the table?"

She laughed. "Or fill Filch's pockets with gold coins, hide behind a pillar, and set a niffler loose on him."

They were both in high form now, cackling at the mental images these ideas conjured up. Severus rejoined with, "If you really wanted to make a splash, you could just drop out of school and sing backup for Celestina Warbeck. Then you'd be famous _and_ a delinquent."

"Yeah...you know. Or I could just...shag somebody."

Instantly Severus' laughter died. "What?"

"Yeah. I'm… I mean, I've never done it."

"Oh. But that's…" His face didn't even turn red; it went straight to white as parchment.

"I mean, I know it's ridiculous, but it seems like I'm the only girl in our year who hasn't...you know."

Severus made a sound in his throat that only vaguely resembled a coherent thought.

"And then, if James decides to get down and beg me to get back together, I'll know that he's not the only one who's got a wild side. He's not the only one who can do as he pleases."

The air seemed to have left Severus' lungs. He could only nod for a moment. Finally he found his voice, and said, softly, "Do it, I guess. Shag him when we get back to Hogwarts, if you think it will make you feel better."

She bowed her head and shook it, smiling ironically. "I don't want to shag him. Not now, anyway. He's had half our year in Gryffindor, anyway, the half that Sirius hasn't plowed through. Except where there's overlap." She set the flask down. "I don't want people to be able to say that I was just one of James Potter's conquests, if and when we do it. I don't want him to be my first."

All Severus could do was shrug.

Lily got quiet again as she lit another match to set up the other fuel tin they'd found. Severus looked at the ceiling. His heart was pounding in his chest. He was fully aware that the awkward silence that had descended was likely proof to Lily that he was thinking about her shagging someone, and he only hoped that the truth wasn't as obvious as he thought it was, that he was thinking about her shagging him. A feeble joke came to him: "You could always try for little Peter Pettigrew. He'd probably kill himself for a chance to pull an actual real live girl."

"Severus, that was cruel," she smirked.

"Yeah, well. It's me, isn't it? Severus Snape, the constant, reliable arsehole." He took a large swig of the dwindling supply of whiskey.

"We could do it, you know." She paused, then looked at him with those eyes.

His mouth went dry.

"I mean, if you're up for it. It's not like-I mean, we've known each other forever, and-I know you wouldn't, er...think it meant anything, or-go bragging about it, or anything. I mean, if you-if you want to."

"Lily, I-"

"Yeah, I know. Bollocks idea. Sorry." She got up and took up the flask, finishing it off and stuffing it into her peacoat pocket. "I just thought-It wouldn't mean anything, since we both know we're just friends. We could try it out, though. You could just teach me what to do, and stuff?"

"Me? Teach?" He got up, too.

"Haven't you-didn't you-you went to Hogsmeade last October with that Bulstrode girl. I thought-I thought you two-"

"Oh. Nah. Just-we just snogged, that's all." Her breath had tasted of garlic and mushrooms, and though she'd been keen, she hadn't been too bent up when he'd told her he needed to get back to the books, and she'd almost immediately afterwards been spotted practically dragging that Crabbe kid from fifth year into a darkened alleyway. She'd just been a substitute for Lily anyway. That's all anyone else would ever be.

"Well, anyway. I should go, then. Sorry I brought it up. God, this is humiliating." And she started to walk away.

"Lily-wait." He took a deep breath and took the steps forward that separated their bodies.

"Severus-"

"Do you really want-I mean, it's me. I'm not...I'm not him, Lily."

She nodded her head. And he saw something in her green eyes slip, some seed of doubt about all she'd thought she'd wanted and believed in, being replaced with sureness. Curiosity. Desire, maybe. For him. It was all he needed, the sign of an opportunity available for him to seize, all his Slytherin ambition and cunning working towards this one moment, this one night.

He kissed her. Urgently. He placed his hands on her hips, pulling her closer to him, and he felt her own hands clutch at the front of his trousers. This was a whiskey-induced dream. It had to be. The feel of her, the taste, the scent, were all so strong and heady for him that he felt he could pass out from bliss.

She wasn't waiting for him. She pulled at buttons and zippers, and it was he who pried her hands away and made a noise of protest. "Not yet."

"Severus-"

"Not yet," he said, and he slid the peacoat from off her shoulders and heard it puddle on the ground. His young, awkward hands unbuttoned the shirt and pulled off the camisole that covered her small breasts-so perfect-and then he sat down on the floor and bid her to lie on top of the peacoat next to him.

"Severus-what-what are you doing?"

"If we're going to do this, we need to do it right."

"What, like on a wedding night? This isn't-we don't have to be romantic, here."

"Lil. I've-I've read books. I don't just want to take your-just force my way inside, or-" He closed his eyes. "Let me try, at least, to make sure you don't regret this."

She closed her mouth, and within moments, she had spread out, her head resting on her balled up shirt, while he worked his way down her body with his hands. Cupping her warm breasts in his cold, bare hands, he felt himself twitch with agony over each of her small moans of pleasure. He nearly moaned himself when he bit down on her nipple, causing her to cry out. His hand began to work its way down to her jeans, undoing her buttons and sliding them off her hips, followed by the white cotton knickers she wore, so innocent, so delicious. His hand worked against her then, and he let her direct him in how to fulfill her need.

Once she was ready, he nudged her legs apart, and began to unzip his own trousers-but she pushed him off. "Sev-don't you want-I mean, I'm naked, so it's only fair that you-"

He sputtered. "Me? But I'm not-I mean, Lily, I'm not anything to look at." He remembered the time he'd seen James, muscle-bound from his hours upon hours of Quidditch practice, emerging shirtless from the locker rooms at the pitch before sliding a shirt over his impressive pectoral muscles.

"It's only fair, Sev." Lily said this gently, her hands reaching up to remove the olive-green jumper and the graying vest underneath it. Severus' chest lay bare now, thin and uninspiring, his arms weedy. He blushed, and then she gently pushed him onto his back so that she could remove his trousers and pants. The coarse black hair that covered his limbs and torso she ran her hand over and through, an animal sound escaping her throat as she did so, and then her hand came to rest on the part of him that most urgently required her attention, and he lost all shame and embarrassment and felt newly, suddenly alive.

Tangling his legs up through her own, he kissed her again, reveling in her soft, smooth flesh with each part of himself that could touch her. His hands grasped at her, and he knew she could tell, knew that it was obvious beyond a doubt how much he wanted her, how much he had always wanted her. He rolled her over onto her back and pushed up against her, and within seconds she had pulled him in and was rolling her hips, digging her nails into his back and sides, hard enough to cause pain, to leave a couple of little half-moon scars that would forever be imprinted on his flesh. Her tattoos, he would come to call them, long after they had faded into little more than memories.

And then it was over. It hadn't taken long, maybe a handful of minutes. He was young, and she was so incredibly beautiful, and he had wanted her so. The things we want the most are always the things we have the hardest time holding onto.

They got dressed after a moment's recovery, it being very cold in the unheated factory, but they didn't go yet. They resumed their place from earlier by the dying light of the fuel can, pillowed against the pile of cloth remnants, but this time his arm circled around her congenially. As she lay there afterwards, laughing and putting on a show of ironic amusement and thanking him for an experience she'd never forget, he put on a smile, too, but already his heart was breaking. He believed that the remainder of the time they stayed in this old abandoned building was all they'd have, really.

Sleepily, she put her head against his shoulder and dozed off for a little while, promising him that she was just resting her eyes before beginning to snore gently. And here is his second greatest regret in life, after passing on the information that would ultimately lead to her death:

She murmured against his chest, "James," in her sleep.

His throat constricted in instantaneous agony. And he acted, then, on a belief that getting out now was the only way to save himself from further anguish:

He got up and, gently releasing her from his arms so as not to wake her, he walked out, climbed up and out of the factory window through which they had entered, and disappeared into the night.

Years later, as he relived that night in his bedchamber at Hogwarts, he thought of how easy it would have been to swallow his pride and stay with her that night. He knew that if he had, he may have had a chance to make her see that what had happened once might happen again, and again, until the two of them were so enamored of each others' bodies that to spend a night without one another, steeped as they already were in a real and true friendship that had spanned years, would have been impossible. She would have convinced him to stop spending so much time with Avery and his ilk, because anyway he would have been too busy shagging Lily bloody Evans to find himself wrapped up in their brainwashed stupidity. And James Potter would have faded into the background, and her son would have been Severus' son, too, and her death maybe would have been no one's.

Of course, he was plagued with many smaller regrets. He regretted that he had not used his mouth to please her, learning the taste of her. He regretted that he had not taken the time to spin her around, slowly, and gaze at her nakedness without the urgency of the moment blinding him. He regretted that he had not unbraided her hair and run his fingers through its silkiness. He regretted that he had not held her longer with his arms around her, pressing his hands into her belly and feeling her fit against his form like a missing puzzle piece. Most of all, he regretted that he had not looked into her eyes at the moment of their union, that he'd kept his own closed, trying desperately to make it last longer than it was destined to last. She would have known, then, that he loved her, that for him this night wasn't just a cracking way to waste an evening, but a need, like oxygen, like magic.

The winter holiday had ended, and a newly confident and worldly Lily Evans had re-emerged into the world of magic, entering the Hogwarts Express with a smile on her face. She had given Severus a knowing look through the window of his compartment, but when she saw who else had shared the compartment with him-Avery and Mulciber-she'd nodded her head at him and moved on. It was during that train ride that it came out that it wasn't Severus-Severus knew, because he hadn't received a letter-but James Potter who'd been named Head Boy. And this fact apparently shook James up enough to cause a change in his behavior. The previously wild and unruly young man made the decision to clean up his act with a vengeance, and by October, he'd shocked and awed absolutely no one by asking Lily Evans to be his steady girlfriend again. This time, she'd accepted, and it was as if they were two wholly new people, fully committed to one another. In May, in the midst of all their studying for exams and the great flurry of stressful activity that preceded the end of the school year, James staged an elaborate proposal in the middle of dinner time in the Great Hall. Severus watched.

Later that same night, he attended a meeting in the Hog's Head in Hogsmeade, where he, along with Avery and Mulciber, took their oaths and received the Dark Mark. He didn't speak to Lily again when she was alive.

Things evolved as they had, he told himself, and nothing could change them. The scars he'd keep, always.


End file.
